I lost someone very dear and special...

[Shirin]

Oh i am so sorry to hear this news Faith! You say looking at his photos in the album you thought maybe it would have helped him if you went through the album together, please don't start to think what you could have done, that you could have done sthg to prevent it, sometimes you just can't hinder anything, you couldn't have done anything really, unfortunately, it is just the way it turned out, independently of anyone's will and power!

All you and we can do is pray for him, so that the All Merciful will take good care of him and I do believe in God's forgiveness and great bounty and that if we pray for departed people God listens to them, and that the person will be in a better person and happy!

Tizzilou, I am so sorry to hear the history of so many dear ones of yours who are not there anymore!

(I have lost my mother, but of course it is nothing similar to the feelings which you experience, as in my case it was caused by cancer and there are no or less unanswered questions and a schock.)

Here is a prayer for dparted souls (it shows God's mercy and bounty, to all of hiscreatures, He easily forgives thsoe who couldn't bear this life any longer and ):
had no strength to continue, He is the All-Forgiving):

O my God! O Thou forgiver of sins! Bestower of gifts! Dispeller of afflictions!

Verily, I beseech Thee to forgive the sins of such as have abandoned the physical garment and have ascended to the spiritual world.

O my Lord! Purify them from trespasses, dispel their sorrows, and change their darkness into light. Cause them to enter the garden of happiness, cleanse them with the most pure water, and grant them to behold Thy splendors on the loftiest mount.

-Abdu'l-Baha

[ladycattat]

Oh, Faith, honey, my heart goes out to you and yours!
Please know(and this is coming from somebody who has dealt with mental health issues, and has tried to take my own life in the past)---there is NOTHING that you could have said or done to change his mind.
Don't play shoulda, coulda, woulda games with yourself. He made his own decision. People in the state he was in are so blinded by their own pain, they don't see anything else.
In this unhappy time, allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel, even if it's anger, and don't be surprised if a little down the road it is.
Please remember we are here if you need to talk.
Be well.
Laurie

[pinkpomelo]

Thank you so much for all your words... I gave it a lot of thought and in theory I agree and understand... I'm waiting for my heart to catch up.

For now, there are good days and bad nights. Life goes on and most of the time, it feels like nothing has changed. And I try to behave like its alright because I'm hoping that my actions will make my brain think I really am ok. But then there are times, when I feel the sadness and regret creeping in. A song, a comment, a picture, and I remember... Or I feel just a blanket of numbness. And sometimes I feel guilty when something funny happens and I laugh. I know all this part of the grief and healing. Its only been slightly over a week.

It has changed me. Suicide changes the ones left behind to pick up the pieces. I won't always struggle with the emotional roller coaster of ups and downs of normalcy then sadness, but this has changed me. Now its my choice as to whether it changes me for the better or ... well,...

I want "better".

Thank you all so so so so much for being there. For your words. For your insights. For being so candid with your own struggles and experiences. Reading through it all, it really helps me come to the point of acceptance. And if I go back to some of the other stages, I know I can connect with any one of you... its amazing, this was just a make up forum but I've really come to appreciate the friends I've made here. Thank you so so much!